My gratitude

My life started in the most unexpected place possible, knowing what kind of person I am. I never felt that I belonged in Russia by any means. Be it the culture, especially literature and visual arts, which is in the nutshell "you suffer through your life, and then you die suffering" (although Tchaikovsky and Rachmaninov are absolutely GOAT). Or the mentality of raging individualism, the hierarchical structures that hold Russian society together.

Russia is no place for the weak and I, a skinny queer neurodivergent boy, was obviously far too delicate of a flower for the Russian quest line. As a child, I never fit in whatever was expected of me, scolded by the adults and dismissed and mocked by my peers. I was special, and you can't be special in Russia. Or at least not without punishment.

Sakharov, the inventor of the Soviet thermonuclear bomb, dissident and Peace Nobel Prize winner, was a convicted felon. The start of the soviet nuclear program was organized in sharashkas, which is literally a prison for scientists. Kurchatov, the founder of the soviet nuclear weapons program, was a convicted felon. The half of the Russian Silver Century poets and artists were either killed or spent their last days in the Gulag and died there. You can't be special in Russia and live your life in peace.

My life in Russia was utterly miserable, and I dreamt of leaving it from my early childhood. I read the "Ya Poznayu Mir" ("I'm getting to know the world") book series for children about different topics, anything from biology and cosmos to travel and young gentleman handbooks. And one of my favorites was geography. I read about different parts of the world, countries and landscapes that I imagined were beautiful, and I dreamt so much about being able to one day visit them. My mother is an alcoholic and life wasn't easy as I was a kid, and this dream kept me alive and motivated me not to give up and keep going.

Today I find myself in a very different situation. If by some magic, I could only send the pictures of what we have achieved to baby Ady, so she knows it will all eventually work out for us. The way to happiness is a hard road, and every turn on it leads me to the point where I am now, writing these very lines. Baby Ady would be proud of what we have achieved.

We dreamt of one day being able to speak English fluently, I was so keen to one day sound like a true American from the movies. Today I speak four languages. We dreamt of one day seeing Europe, today I have 11 years in Berlin on my CV, and now I live in the most amazing city in the world. We dreamt of one day become a developer and create real programs, sitting in front of a blue screened Borland Pascal at a friend's house where they had a computer, and I didn't. Today I can buy any computer I want, and I've been a dev for 13 years now. Baby Ady, I'm so proud of you, I love you, you were so strong and never gave up for us. And I'm grateful for that.

I finally found the place where I want to settle, Amsterdam, the city of my love. So beautiful, so cozy, old and inviting, sharing its unique character with every person coming to this place. The Amsterdamers are the warmest and most open people, curious and welcoming. We have never had a moment where I felt inferior or alien. And after years of feeling like an untermensch in Germany, that was such a relief. My anxiety level has gone from background 8 to 2. It felt like finally putting off the shoes that were two sizes too small. For the first time in my life, I've heard from a local: "I wish you stay in my country for the rest of your life". I'm grateful for my new thuis.

I'm grateful for all the people the destiny brought around me, my amazing friends and, of course, my beautiful husband, who I was meant to meet. Before I met him, I carried this devastating loneliness with me, this persistent feeling that something was missing in my life. And when I saw him for the first time, I knew it was him I've been looking for. And I am grateful for him. He is my friend, my lover, my brother and my destiny. We laugh and cry together, see the world, lie around on the sofa and fight. We read silly psychology books and rub against each other's quirks. And I love him more than life.

I'm grateful for all the wisdom life brought me. The wisdom to enjoy it, to learn to forgive and to grow and to discover. The wisdom to accept my fears, my perkiness and oddity. For all the knowledge, my love to life is growing from. And maybe I'm just sentimental, but the wisdom that love will save us all.

I'm grateful for all the encounters life has given me. So many people life sent my way to fight-proof me, to help understand who I am and where I'm going and grow towards that ultimate goal - be yourself. The society expects us to be men, to be professionals, to be productive, to buy a house, to vote, not to vote, to shout in front of the Russian embassy, to shout in front of the German embassy. Every single bit of the creature that I am is the reflection of those encounters, each one put their tile on the mosaic of my personality, and I'm thankful for that.

I'm proud and thankful to have the opportunity to live my best life and have everything in it that I have ever dreamt of, and never to be exposed to the cold misery of my previous life. And most of all, I'm thankful for knowing that I will never be alone anymore.

If death came to me today, I wouldn't regret a thing. I'm would die a happy man.