Deutschland's broken promises

I've lived in Germany for 11 years, and spoiler: I left.

I worked for various companies there, learned the language, had a German husband and boyfriends, had German friends, I founded and ran companies. I tried everthing imaginable to integrate, and all of that wasn't enough.

You see people, I've tried, sieht der Gott, I've fucking tried. When I land in Germany, or on the train Amsterdam-Berlin, when the crew changes from Dutch to German, my stress levels go through the roof. The few Germans I've built friendships with tend to suffer from all the same idiotic dogmatism as I, and I pity them deeply because they won't be able to leave so easily as I did. Frankly, it wasn't easy even for me.

This is the series of posts I will make about Germany. They are only partially subjective, mostly they are a collection of observations I've made and struggles I've lived through this entire time. And the explanation, why I left. For you, for my friends, for myself.

I called it: "Wenn das der Führer wüsste". Google it, you'll like it. At the start of long German economic depression, I decided to spill the t.

I came to Germany starry eyed in 2011, like so many do now, filled with the idea of how my new European life will be. I've arrived at Schönefeld, it was a rainy day and after Moscow's Sheremetyevo, which is a fantastic airport, I was puzzled: is this Europe everyone is talking about?

Schönefeld, which is now a terminal of Berlin-Brandenburg, looks as if it were built out of leftover cardboard from soviet tanks packages. Small, dirty, ugly. This is what I saw first when I arrived in this country. Why didn't I decide to leave right away? Well, I don't give up easily. I started living with my first husband, we moved in and the relationship failed. I was set to get back to Novosibirsk, I ended up in a country where I didn't know anyone. My residence permit was about to expire and my beginner level German wasn't helping to find an apartment.

After a long time searching, I landed at a temporary place I found from some Argentinian guy in a social housing building in Charlottenburg. He was introducing me to his neighbors as his nephew, friend, pope, so it's obvious what kind of geschäft he was doing there. I don't judge, he helped me out a lot when nobody would. I expected my friend Masha to come visit and I needed a place to live for myself too. I remember that day I moved out of our apartment at Antonstraße in Wedding and I had no one to help me out with stuff, so I had to ride twice from Wedding to Charlottenburg with my stuff. I was scared and lonely. I was only 21, it was one of the lowest points in my life. I don't think I could go through it again.

Things have changed for the better, I've found people who cared for me, and those who made me believe they did. I've been used and cheated on, people took advantage of me uncountable times, but this is how life is? Berlin has become my first home, this is where the most important people in my life live. Berlin, that is the least German place in Germany, but it still is Germany. Leaving it all behind, spending so much time and energy finding those who I've destined to live my life with, my chosen family, wasn't easy. But I had to. And now I have to write this in hope that the things change, as so many of my friends still live there.

I know this will rub many people the wrong way, I know I'll get a lot of hate for it, as Germans can't handle any criticism about their country. Few nations can, to be honest, but blind patriotism isn't something I can respect: it's the value from the previous century. And Germany has a lot from the previous century. Back then, I criticized because I cared. I've invested a lot in this country, I've left my promising future in Russia behind, my friends who I still love and cherish more than life. And everything I got in return is: you don't like it, leave. Now I left, what are you going to do, fellow mitbürger? Funny how it parallels with Russians, who told me just the same thing when I was criticizing them. Should quit criticizing, probably.

When you are outside of Germany, you get an impression, that if you check all the marks, you're gonna be one of them. It's a lie. They would say: speak our language, work and earn your living yourself, and you are welcome in our society. It's a lie. You will never be welcome, and they will never treat you as an equal. In Germany, if you are a foreigner, you will stay an untermensch forever, regardless of how good your language skills are or how well integrated you are.

I've learned the language to the level, that most Germans won't realize I was not born in Germany. Quite a proof of that was the fact that my manager in the last project, who is a bio-German, only figured I'm not German after three weeks of working together. Learning a language is a big investment, and the aggressive form of them requesting you to learn it bothers me deeply.

Fellow Germans, you are a local country. You are not a Weltmacht anymore. When people come to work in your country, educated people, you say thank you for paying those taxes so desperately needed in your overblown social state. Today they are here, tomorrow not. The only language that matters today is English. Most of them speak their own language and English. It's enough. Learning three languages is not a challenge everyone can handle. I know it, because of so many of you Germans struggle with English alone. Today, countries compete for talent, I know it doesn't land with most of you, but your culture is secondary. So much for leitkultur. Especially, your arrogance towards the Eastern Europe and the Middle East is completely off-place.

I've worked for various German companies, big and small, startups and corporates, local and international, and I just never fit in with Germans. Among them Daimler, Cornelsen, Bayer. Every German corporate is Germany in miniature. I was hated, I was scolded and misunderstood. I was bullied. And thrived in international startups and corporates. What a coincidence.

Germans from different social groups would find it funny to joke about me shitting in the woods in Russia, or that there is no food there because it snows all the time. The most insulting part was that most Germans I've met in my life there assumed I came for social benefits. Where, in fact, I've paid more taxes, than any of my German friends. It's my ex'es brother and his back then good friend were the professional social welfare clients, not me. The arrogance Germans exude towards foreigners is unprecedented.

Why do you hate Germany so much, this country gave you everything?

This sentence radiates German exceptionalism through and through. No Mathias, it could have been any other developed European country. Germany needs migrants more than migrants need Germany, sweetheart. Your country is falling apart, suffocated by bureaucracy, inability to innovate and an aging population. In fact, you can declare 80% of its territory a geriatric care facility.

Or maybe it's a "you" problem?

Well dah, I deserve so much better, and now I live in the Netherlands, and I can hate Germans together with the Dutch.

Through those long 11 years I've met different people, but the most surprising was for me, how they treated children of migrants. Those migrants they invited to rebuild the very country that wanted to subdue the entire world to their destructive ideology, not once, twice. The very country that was turned to dust as retaliation to their very arrogance and short-sightedness.

Where are you from? I'm from Germany. I was born here. I've gone to a German school, they would answer. You see, even this is not enough, for you to be treated as one of them. You are forever marked with a sign on your upper arm. Please wear it visible so fellow German can always recognize that you are an ausländer.

I've been naturalized. I've changed my name. It wasn't enough. My face doesn't have any typical features, I would even say I'm white. I thought for a very long time, that slavs are blacks of Europe, the very word slave originates from the word slav, but the difference is clear: if your skin is of a darker tone, you will always have it visible. This is the difference: with me, they at least have the luxury of the doubt.

So when I presented my new name to the world, two things happened.

First, all my German friends were absolutely stunned, that you can change the name in Germany. By the way, the law is from around Nazi times, and it was developed for their realities and wasn't changed since. Guess why.

Second, new Germans in my life started treating me like a German. For some time, until they found out that I'm not German and god, you need to see their reactions. Their entire world, entire identity system crashes in their minds. It's a betrayal. They handled me like a German, but I wasn't one! How dare I! As a bonus, my hourly rate raised by 30%. So much for homework was done after WWII. The truth is: the German mentality will never change. I saw it back then, I see it now. And you will see it too.

When I left Russia in 2011, I was sure there was no way it will change in my lifetime. Public politics decaying, freedom of speech fading away and Russia stepping back to so familiar role of a global pariah led by a tyrant left no possibility for me. A member of a queer community that was so more often used for scapegoating, I had no way to have a full life there. I've given up on Russia a long time ago. Russia won't change in my lifetime.

I left Germany in 2022, 11 years later, in general for the same reason. Germany won't change in my lifetime. There is nothing more predictable than Germans. They will step into the same shit again, I'll show you why.

I'm a bitter bitch, so stay tuned for my little secrets.