Computer graphics and unrealized ambitions

Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, I was living in a student dormitory #5 of the Novosibirsk State Technical University, or NSTU for short. Life wasn't easy at all: I've just lost my A-grader status in my exam session from the previous term, and with it the right for a monthly allowance for well performing students. For me, it was simple: you go work, or you go die. I chose work.

Spreading flyers at the entrance of the metro, carrying around the free political ads newspapers on the eve of a local governor elections (communists paid the best) and whatnot. I was not so picky in terms of a political subtext of the money giver, I was just a hungry, skinny student. I remember the best thing that could happen to you would be going to a unis "rehab" facility: vitamins, massage, dentist and ave free food three times a day. The first time I was qualified for the feast of good will and compassion, I thought life can't get better than this. For the entire month, I was sat multiple days in a row. Unprecedented.

The need to work has sucked out my motivation to study and my grades started to get worse. A Siberian Hermione Granger, I was sure that if I perform, if I give my best, I could really make it, I could finish the university with honors, that was so palpable just half a year ago. But then I first passed one exam with 3 (Russian marks go from 2 to 5, 5 is the best), then the second and then the third. No chance of getting back to a Porsche with a scratch, I was. The scratch - one 3 in the first term of the first year I hoped to correct one day. I was crashed and more than everything I felt betrayed.

The last drop was the probability theory exam, that was taught by Bekareva Somebody Somebodivna, who was notoriously known for taking bribes. At the beginning of the term she looked at the auditorium of third-years in front of her, opened her stinky old mouth filled with yellow teeth, placed so anesthetically on her old and saggy monkey face. She then slowly chewed the words: "Probability theory is a complex subject, and it cannot be covered as a part of standard course, that's why I offer additional curriculum outside standard learning activities". Uncovering the mysteries of the additional curriculum in probability theory was of course not for free and, oh miracle, those who have visited them have, of course, become extraordinary masters of probability theory and received the best marks on the exam.

I on another side had no money for such a luxury, I was poor as a goat. The restricted section and practical aspects of bribery in the Russian education system. I must say it wasn't typical for our faculty, only this one miserable woman took money for good notes and everybody knew it. She was a deputy dean for the first to third year students and for Mr. Nobody, the scholarship dorm student, to rise against suppression of the working class wouldn't be a good idea. It wouldn't be a good idea at all.

And guess what, I couldn't stand her. She had no interest in teaching, she only wanted to assert herself on those who couldn't fight back and make a quick buck. I despised her, I still despise people like her. And I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

When the time for the exam came, I was already crushed by two 3-s and was sure she will make this exam a nightmare for me. And she did. When the oral part came, she started asking questions, that I had to answer on paper. Law of big numbers, convergence in probability/measure. I still remember what she asked. She took the paper and said: "This is a three, Miss Diva. This is certainly a three". I asked what was wrong, she took the piece of paper away and repeated the same. No way to appeal, no justice. This old alcoholic macaque set in front of me and expressed with her entire figure: "Your life doesn't belong to you, I can do whatever I want, and you won't be able to do anything about it". I took my three and went out of the auditorium a different person. The justice sensitivity of ADHD people, and Ady is a known H. Diva.

Today, I'm so thankful all this happened to me. Nothing is perfect, neither am I. The overachievers like me, for different reasons, trying to impress everybody around, their parents in the first place. The invisible child that I was, I tried to make my mother notice my existence, now I understand that. But back then it was a catastrophe. I thought a good work can make it, but today I am sure: you have to know who is in front of you and act accordingly. If somebody bends the rules in front of you, you can spit them in the face and remain a decent person.

One of the courses in that year was also the computer graphics that I was interested in so much. Me and my brother pinky-swore that we will become game designers when we are adults. Well, game designer I'm not, haha. So computer graphics seemed something we both should do, I was so excited and the course was amazing. I loved the docent, and we connected, especially in the practical sessions, called lab sessions for whatever reason. It's because you sit in front of a computer?

One of the tasks for the course was to create a body formed by rotating a polygon around an axis, set up textures and lighting with OpenGL. I was consumed by it, sitting in front of my computer in the dorm and finally getting to create something 3D right with my coding. That was just fantastic.

I figured that if you rotate a polygon with a large enough number of vertices with a large enough number of rotation steps, you will get... a ring! One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them!!!

I've found the lighting parameters for gold and set them for the material. I had no internet connection in the dormitory (rural Russia, 2008, remember?), and printed some random text in cursive and put them as a texture to represent the black speech. And here it was, the Ring of Computer Graphics.

When I presented the result to the docent, he didn't believe me first, that I did it myself. He asked me to change some parameters, but beatch I did it and I knew where was what. And since then, I have become his fav. Such a daughter father moment, I am wet.

The next task was to put a texture lighting on the same figure as in the previous task. I figured, that if you form the polygon in a certain way, you can build a sphere. So I found a picture of the Earth's surface on the inner uni network based on a peer to peer network (you could find anything there, including gay porn, ah sweet good old days), made a lighting texture out of it and so my masterpiece saw the light for the first time:

I was so proud. I showed that to the docent, and he was bamboozled. He said this work desired a place in the all-time student computer graphics gallery, and he asked me to send him the code and screenshots, so he could publish it on the faculty's website.

And here it happened: I never did it. Other works the students posted there were so much better done in my perception. Forward ray tracing and elaborate amazing scenes. Although he honored me for my talent, my inner saboteur blocked me from going the last three centimeters. What stopped me? Was it ADHD? Or fear of mismatch? Did I fear being ridiculed for this? Maybe all at once.

But now you can see my masterpiece. Remember, I was a student and this was 2008. I'm so proud of you, baby Ady, you've done so well and you were just wonderful.

The term was narrowing to its end and I had more and more unfinished work because I had to work, and I was so demotivated. I passed the computer graphics because of my previous triumph. So it was not futile.

The moral people: create, release, articulate, promote, fight. C.R.A.P.F!