18 rubles.
My relationship with my mother is far from good. We haven't spoken in years, and honestly, saying to break contact was one of the best decisions of my life. She is a violent and cruel alcoholic and a narcissist, who thought of no one's needs but her own when my brother and I were children.
She left us behind for multiple days, so she can go party and fuck around. She neglected us, abused us and left us to ourselves uncountable times, role reversed let us sliding right from 10 years to 25, so we accept all the responsibility she should have taken, not us.
I guess I have not properly separated from her as a child, as she never wanted me. She always saw me as a mistake, as some kind of flaw, so different and inexplicable in comparison to other members of the family. Never normal, never understood.
I grew up feeling some kind of debt, that I necessarily have to repay. The debt for my birth, as if she sacrificed her entire life, so I can live. In some form, that is correct, of which he didn't abstain of reminding me and my brother, every time when she had a warm-up bottle of vodka.
I was an A-grader, the best behavior, chess club, wood carving club, dancing club member and volleyball team player. Something I thought would make my mother happy, worthy of the true participation in the family.
Last time I visited Russia, I found out that the mother of my stepfather found my certificates from the state competitions for mathematics, physics, chemistry, economy and geography, for multiple years. She found those in the old paper box sent to the summer house to be used to set up the chimney. The things I was crying and dying for, to get noticed, to get recognized. Who do you think sent them there? Funnily enough, her and her brother's certificates for biathlon and ski mastery were hanging in my grandmother's house in the brightest spot. So much for the true sportsmen competition style.
I and the Huzzy just sat to watch Hairy Porter for the thousandth time, and high on vitamin W, I unlocked the memory. My mother gave me 1 ruble 50 kopecks to get the lunch at school in the fifth grade. Instead of buying a large bun with sugar and a tea, I bought the small one and saved 50 kopecks a day on average. Sometimes I was too hungry and gave up to the lowest level of the Maslow pyramid, so the business was not going as straight forward as the business plan suggested.
Occasionally, after school, when I evaded gopniks on the way home, I would come by at the local mall to gaze at the stuff they sold there. I could never afford anything, but I was so fond of dreaming that I one day would buy things I wanted because I was gonna have so much money. I put a list of things I would buy when the money is there. Here is what I remember:
- Nochnye Snaipery cassette
- Cool glasses
- Cool backpack
- A kiwi 🥝
- A plenty of encyclopedias I was so obsessed with
- Own cool alarm clock that shows the humidity level
And one thing I was so mesmerized with was a New Year Tree toy I've found in one of the shops in the mall. It was a mat bow of glass, something like this one but not shiny:
The first time I saw it, I realized I wanted to give it to my mother for the New Years, and I committed to the goal. After two months of saving up, I've spent all my savings on this one toy, delaying Nochnye Snaipery's cassette for better economic situation, I was so proud I did it. I put it under my bed and waited until New Year's Eve to come.
I packed in a nice box, put a post card in it with all the good things I wished her, and there it came. I gave it to her in excitement, expecting to finally find out that she was proud of me, and that I was a good son. But all that she did was: "What is this?". I said it was a toy for the New Year's tree, and the came with nothing but "Ah...". None of the thought came to her mind, that collecting 18 rubles with 1 ruble 50 kopeks per day is quite a feat for a fifth grader.
Some people just don't deserve to be parents.